Guilt....

Guilt...captures me sometimes when i am sitting on the window seat , which i got after waiting for the bus long enough...its always nice to let onself go so when you know yr destination is far away you can just let yrself go and if you have wondow seat you feel like you have all the opportunity to get lost in your world coz for you people in the bus does not matter as you see...all you see is outside world from your window which is passing by very fast....so fast that it feels like being in the other world...so i was saying looking outside the world...and then and then the thoughts starts revolving....so manything comes and dance around head like the microsoft latest multiple operating system display which starts dancing on the screen and user can choose anyone operating system....same way different thoughts of different genre dance around your head...and then something that you are most afarid of comes forward and flashes all the related memory. Yeah, sometimes there are few incidents in your life which are so difficultt to face or may be i am scared to stand it it resurfaces and then you start getting into it...you are free to move into any details at this point coz you have to go long way your mind knows there is no halt near by so it takes you deep down into your thought where ..where there are so manythings that you have no time to confront comes out and you try to come face to face with those feeling......you know it is all because you could have done otherwise but you messed it up....now you cant go back and change because it has become immortal and time doesnt revolve back. what a pity ....i know i hurted you i never wanted i didnt know i was hurting you i hurted you becaouse it loved you so much more than my self...just like i hurt myself i hurted you.....wish i could take my those scornfull words back that filled your heart with hatred. How i hate myself for not giving you time...how to get that time back when i was there for people i was least interested in ....even though you were most important for me....i wish i wish i could change something about it....oh how much guilt creeps into my heart and fill my throat with the pain that i am unable to gulp my tears...i dont want to cry but i cant do anything about it....i know i know i should look forward that i have been doing but i miss you so much and i feel guilty of not giving you due respect....or due love, care.
And while i am engrossed with my guilt for so many things that i could have done but didnt do.....arrives my stop.....time to restart the day all over again...again tomorrow when i sit in the bus and look outside and like various operating system i may not choose your thoughts and my mind might wanders to something more pleasant and it may not be guilt......but something else...till then....you are still in my heart closer than what i had thought...